First Day Back (Take 2!)

Well as you can guess, yesterday was my first day back at work. It didn't really feel like I'd had three weeks away... that is untill the pile of backlog became clearer and clearer as the day progressed! At first I thought it might be all too much, as the first hour or so was a little difficult emotionally (draining, with a few good deep breaths and a tear shed here and there- not much good for my blood sugars!). Everyone was so nice and welcoming, as they passed on their condolences, with sad faces and hugs all round.

Another reminder I had returned to work yesterday happened when the mid morning high hit me. I'm not completely sure why, but I have always struggled with morning blood sugars. Before breakfast and after breakfast. The only relief I seem to get is if I run in the morning. Even going to the gym isn't as effective as a short burst of intense cardio. Wrongly, I am also already slipping into the 'work before me' game. A terrible terrible position that many of us put ourselves in! Diabetic or non diabetic, work should never come before our health, and it sounds simple enough but how quickly do we all forget to stick to it! I'm back at work from 7am today and tomorrow, meaning no morning run, meaning very likely blood sugar spike between 9am and 11am!...

My work year has certainly been a roller coaster! If only for the fact that most recently I was on leave for five weeks, back for two then off for three more. The momentum has been knocked to say the least! On the flip side, it also means that my attempt to create schedule and routine in my life has also been somewhat difficult. And as you all know, its all the little disruptions and changes which can most effect our blood sugars and the ability to maintain stabiltiy. My dreams of administering a truely holistic approach to my diabetes managment are still alive however, and I'm determined to get back up on that proverbial horse asap!

Thursday morning theres no excuses! (Well maybe one... we're going out to dinner for my birthday Wednesday night. May will power and determination be my best friends come Thursday morning?!? I'll keep you posted - of course)

Stepping through the fog

So this week has been strange, and I've been told this is to be expected. I'm ok but it feels a bit like I'm floating (despite having put on weight over the last couple of weeks! Boo to that), or like I'm waiting...again... but I'm not really sure what for. I couldn't really tell you what I did on Monday or Tuesday this week, and the high lights of yesterday were that I rearranged some flowers, finally got back to the gym, and managed to have a whole day with blood sugars under 9. Today... well I made it to the gym again (hoping the love of the habit will kick in again very soon!) and... well that's about it really.

Weeks of unstable blood sugars combined with mum's passing have clearly totally zapped all energy from my system.  It feels as if this is my ground zero. More than ever, I realise that life is precious and oh so short. Too short to wait for 'someday'.

While I'll admit that this part is hard, hard in ways that totally exhaust me to even think about at this point, it is a time that will shape me. This experience has put me in a place of immense perspective. While it pained to fall here, I've been gifted strength, pride and confidence in who I am. I've grown. And you know what? That actually excites me.

There will be bumps in this road of mine and a few potholes. There will be hills to climb, perhaps some rivers to cross, most definitely a few intersections and maybe I'll even pull over a couple of times. We're told its the journey not the destination, and I believe this.

Attitude is everything. 

One Week Today

One week ago today, I began to take my first deep breaths without my mother. Through the devastating loss there is immense peace. Everything is so surreal and the week went in a blur.

Organising the funeral was nothing short of intense. At a time when there's just no fuel left in the tank, we had to arrange what almost felt like a wedding, all within four days. There seemed to be little time to take it all in as we had the funeral four days later. The calls to family and friends took the best part of two days and the words to the eulogy sure didn't come easy despite having heard mums stories a hundred times over the dinner table. Flowers, music, catering, clothing, certificates: so much organising, everything equally important and the desire for perfection never stronger.

Something which did help me through the week however, was my daily runs. If even for only 20 minutes, a run provided clarity and balance, not to mention time away from the house in the crisp fresh air of our tropical winter. While my blood sugars haven't been great, they haven't been terrible either. Which I find quite fascinating really as I often struggle with the effects of a 'negative' mood on my blood sugar control. Whether sadness, frustration, anger, or stress, negative moods elevate my blood sugars and they even seem to become 'sticky' requiring more and more insulin to bring them down. Regular morning runs seem to help alleviate this problem.

As you can imagine, reading the family eulogy was... it almost feels like words can't describe really...an intense mix of sadness and anxiousness combined with a surreal blur of pride and happiness for an amazing woman that was. I felt shaky at both the loss of my mother and the need to honour her with a great delivery. Of course I checked my blood sugar right before standing up to speak. 12.1 not good, but not worth dosing for given the situation. Within 30 minutes I was 19.0 for no apparent reason other than emotional.

While the coming days, weeks, months and perhaps years will be taken one step at a time, this is also a new chapter in my life. I have been served a harsh reminder that life is short, a gift for which we must cherish and celebrate.

The Blur

Days. That’s what we are expecting is left. Everything has gone downhill so fast but in that a positive lies. Mum won’t have to suffer much longer. The most horrible part of all of this is the lack of dignity cancer gives its victims. The lack of independence and humility.

I’m not working anymore and all projects have been put on pause or I’ve simply removed myself from them for now. The days are becoming a blur and quite frankly I don’t really care if its Monday or Thursday. It’s just another day in this waiting room.

My blood sugars are all over the place and any lows or highs seem to be affecting me sooner or more severely.  The long range isn’t going to be inspiring.

Sleep. That’s something that seems to happen a lot but is all just part of the blur and I wake up only to suddenly realise again, ‘Yes, this is still real and yes, we are still here’. Here trying to ease mum’s suffering. Here feeling mum’s pain.

She is now at the stage where words are exhausting or confused and every time she wakes she cries. Cries for what was and what could have been. It’s devastating to see her so sad. But through all this, there are surprisingly still smiles and laughter, hope and movement. There are comings and goings of doctors and palliative care nurses, of dogs and a cat, of friends and family. Bron, one of Mum’s closest lifelong friends has been staying here, up from down south, now in her third week as a carer and life support. I am here, temporarily moved back in to my family home. Despite the imminent knock of death, there is so much life in this house. So much support for an incredible woman who’s spent all her life caring for us.

Most of all there is love. There is love in the sighs, the smiles, and as eyes meet. Love flows in down the phone line, in emails and on postcards. There’s love in hot meals dropped around and bunches of flowers on the mantle. There’s love in her cat that won’t leave the room. Love of a life; for the memories and what lives on because she was here.

The sort of love that never dies

Run For Type 1 Today!

Some of the team in blue before the fun run kicked off

What a day! We did it! Up at 4:45am and full of beans for Run For Type 1. Bit of a bumpy start with a morning blood sugar of 13.8....bummmer. Which then spiked right before the run to 15! I'm putting it down to a case of adrenaline, well at least a bit of excitement. Lucky for me it came down to 9.2 in time for the gun to go off and it was pretty sweet sailing though to the end with a reading of 8.9.

After many weeks of less than ideal training, I surprised myself with still being able to run a good way in. But, then the stitch of all stitches set in and it was down to walking for a good 500m. Having not run properly in a while, there was one blood sugar check at the 3km mark (11.1) and then homeward bound.

The goal for Run For Type 1 and my diabetes in general has taken a massive hit from left field so it was truly reinvigorating and inspiring to see everyone who turned up this morning to run with me. It proved we are not alone in our diabetes, and you might even be surprised who's right behind you (and who's not!). To those who donated online - you are a blessing and I am so excited that together we can make a difference to Diabetes Queensland's Diabetes Basics program.

Bright and happy (and slightly red!!) after finishing the run

I am already taking notes and planning for next year as well as keeping an eye out on other events that Run For Type 1 can be involved in - I will be sure to keep you up to date!