My Work Diabetes Drawer

...no I don't own shares in the supermarket, I'm just a diabetic!

The bottom drawer of my desk at work. Does anyone else have a drawer like this at work? Sometimes I feel like I live there so it's much easier to have a stash of goodies prepared than risk forgetting or running out of something on the go!

Fresh Starts

OK so after a week of crazy work hours followed by a week of intense illness, gym, running and healthy eating pretty much went out the window. It's safe to say my state of mind and motivation levels haven't been the strongest over the last two months...everything has just been a bit 'meh' BUT despite this and still having a bit of a chesty cough this week, something has changed, clicked over so to speak and I am pumping with determination to make a fresh start: get back on track! I'm sick of feeling ill and dumpy, that and well I have my ten year reunion coming up in less than four weeks.

The best thing to come out of the last two weeks was the fact that any weight I put on, I completely lost last week, but my fitness levels have unfortunately also disappeared. So it was back to the gym yesterday and today. Also time to get back into consistent good eating patterns....that means no chocolate or packet chips from the bar downstairs...Ughhh...the beginning is always so tough!

I'm adding these vitamins/nutrients back into my diet this week as well:

Fresh Sugar Cane Juice -250ml
Coconut Oil - 3 tablespoons
Fish Oil - 6000mg

The fresh sugar cane juice is a newbie, hadn't heard of it before Sunday. Dad just popped by with a two litre bottle of the stuff after running into an old family friend at the local markets who makes it... as you do. Apparently its 'good' for diabetics. I don't know if that is good as in 'brings blood sugars down/helps keep them stable' or good as in 'suitable' as in not too high in sugar, not high GI. I'm trying to research by means of self testing and googling but would love to hear if anyone has tried it or heard anything themselves!

An Ambulance... are you serious?

'You need to call 000'

*silence*

'Hello? Do you understand what I just said? 

'Yes.. but.. what, are you serious??'

'You need to call triple zero, as in zero, zero, zero'

'Why?'

'You're in shock, you have a could sweat'

'but people sweat when they're sick' (and yeah I'm in shock now - you just told me I need an ambulance and I sure don't fell like I do!?!? Am I crazy!?!? How'd I get this sick now and not realise it...when I actually feel 1000% better than yesterday?!?!? *head is spinning! overload!!*)

'Well you don't have to listen to me but you need to call an ambulance. Do you know where your nearest hospital is? Yes, well you need to get an overnight bag, all your medication and call an ambulance'

'mmmm...OK, thanks' (WHAT THE?!?! Adrenaline kick and room pacing commences now.)

So immediately after I posted on here yesterday, I though it'd be good to get 'dial-a-doctor' to come around, mostly just to reassure me I was doing the right thing, but I also though I may need a doctors certificate, knowing that trying to get in to see my own doctor in the next week could prove impossible. But before I made the call I though I might just try out the state government's free health line.... big mistake!!!

They seemed straight forward enough when I first rang, answering the call within three rings, I was promptly put through to a registered nurse. But then it gradually stared turning into what I can only describe as a quiz from the pages of a trashy magazine whereby there were only two options which could result: neither of which were remotely near an answer to my question!

After asking my question: 'How long is too long for a type 1 to have an upset stomach?' She started dissecting my blood sugars - which I stated weren't really the issue but I understand she needed to know, but I don't think she needed to pull them apart as much as she did.. and even then she gave me the grand conclusion that it is better to have blood sugars around 8-14 when sick rather an 4-8...thank you Captain Obvious. A brief couple of questions about symptoms later, and despite telling her throughout the conversation how much I'd improved, she all of a sudden said 'You need to call an ambulance' (in than overly cool doctor tone too). Well in my foggy flu state this totally blew my mind. I felt pretty good considering, and deep down I knew I didn't need an ambulance - but she was a professional and what if I'm kidding myself... what if...what if I'm delirious?!?! Then what blew my mind more was that she had requested my phone number earlier in the conversation and so preceded to tell me that as I had declined, she couldn't AUTOMATICALLY call one for me.

What a right Wally I would've looked standing at the door when the ambulance came, with my bright pink overnight bag, PJ's, slippers, oh what the heck, I'll bring my own pillow and a teddy too. I hope they have tissues, I might need some for the trip in. Shhhhessh!!! Instead, I just waited for the lovely professionals from dial-a-doctor to visit. Everything is fine, I'm on the path to good health, and I have a doctors certificate.

The Health line concept maddened me as I thought of the (rare) times my family has needed an ambulance and how serious it was, life and death serious, holding our breath, swallowing the tears serious. To think someone in a similar situation to me last night may have actually proceeded and done what she said! Such a waste of extremely valuable and already over worked resources!

I understand the State Government is trying to offer a helpful service (and clearly also trying to avoid being sued - 'better to be over precautious' must be their motto!!) but it is a long long way from meeting my expectations that's for sure!

Sick Days

Well it would seem another 'diabetic moment' to come from last week's epic activities is my ability to catch germs in a nano second. I should've seen this coming too, same thing happened last year. This year, and last, I'm confident I can pint point exactly when I picked up the bug. You know when you just know. Well I thought it got me good last year! Nope this year was worse, and yes I do have a flu shot every year. I have had every single flu symptom possible from cold & hot sweats to body aches, runny nose, sore throat, chest cough, nausea... the list goes on. I've spent the better half of the last four days on the floor or in bed and I still feel like death warmed over. I also can't seem to handle Cold and Flu pills, they all make me dizzy and drowsy, which especially when I'm home alone, worries me! (Is this just one of my little oddities or is this a diabetic thing????) Just to sock it to me, this is the first time I've been sick and not had Mum around.

As us diabetics all know though, flu symptoms are not nearly our only concern when sick. Blood sugars + sick = Ugh!!!! Talk about stress! I can't remember the last time I was struck down so bad, and last night it came to a head: I got scared and began telling my partner that we may have to consider calling a doctor or taking me into the hospital. My blood sugars wouldn't come under 20 all day (which I'd been been stressing over more and more with every reading and am sure were also making me feel more nauseous), and by 7pm it actually seemed that the more insulin I injected, the higher I was going! To make matters worse, what little I could seem to stomach getting pass my lips, didn't seem to want to stay in me very long! Oh and did I mention how much stress simply hates me? - always making my blood sugars even higher.

Some days the battle with diabetes can seem so unfair, full of 'what ifs' and calculations even Einstein would perhaps be proud of. Its easy to get wrapped up, wound up, turned inside out and upside down and then not even really quite realise how you got there, just that its a diabetic thing... But that's just it, its a battle some days and a few deep breaths can go a long way to making sure I take one day at a time, one blood sugar at a time, one sick day at a time.

I'm miles better than I was on Monday and I'm certainly not invincible, so its back to the couch with a good book...maybe the TV remote too, to keep those stress levels in check. I will be checking in with the doctor tonight or tomorrow which will also help of course. The blood sugars are gradually coming down, but it can still be hard to shake that horrible feeling that niggles away inside when I know that a high blood sugar is lingering around too long, as if I can almost feel it damaging me! Cue deep breathing!

On a lighter note, I have to say I am so lucky to have one of the best boyfriends in the entire universe. Despite the palest skin, the sweating, the sniffling, coughing, cracked voice, watery eyes (and probably potential highly contagious at the beginning), he has not once fluttered at eye lid at looking after me, even coming home from work to look after me... that definitely makes the battle a lot easier too!

and Hey, I hear this bug is going around and striking even the 'normal' down.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

What a big week: great week, crazy week, full on week! So happy - So tired! I've been MIA again on account of it being one of THE biggest weeks in the arts for the region. The Cairns Indigenous Arts Fair (CIAF) kicked off, which also marks the beginning of Cairns Festival - a pumping time of year for us North Queenslanders (and very welcome visitors!). All around the city, there's something on, all the time for a full month. But that's not where the crazy goodness started... as many of you know - and have contacted me about (THANK YOU :):):)), Australian Diabetic Living Magazine included an article about my blog in their September/October Issue! Needless to say, I was extremely excited to pick up their latest mag and am very proud they chose to include me in their pages.

Something else just as exciting is the feedback I've had form readers and fellow diabetics. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It means the world to me, and I'm very happy to share this journey with you.

Its been an interesting week with ups and downs - not too many lows or highs though (WOO to that!). I still feel majorly tired, but am optimistic that even non diabetics in similar roles to mine this week are feeling the same! There were a couple 'diabetic' moments of note this week though. One happened on Thursday night, at the CIAF opening night - a night of all nights the visual arts, with national and international delegates flying in for the event. I had been asked to assist at the entry with ticketing and after having worked all day (and knowing I still get a slightly foggy mind, after all that's happened, when I'm tired) I had intended on being a 'wristbander'. Well the universe changed that plan! Last Sunday, I cut my finger badly enough to result in a bloody tea towel and multiple band aid changes before Monday...of course being a diabetic, this hadn't healed well enough not to still need a band aid by Thursday. So not wanting to touch people with my finger, I was given the job of checking names off at the door for the opening, as all the who's who arrived. Ughhhhh, this is where is started... people streaming to the table, and multiple lists for media, sponsors and VIPS, I thought I was getting through pretty well ...   t h e n    i t    h a p p e n e d  ... a coworker said the name of the next person into my ear, and without looking up to check, I crossed the name off, grabbed the name badge held it it up to the guest... and very over enthusiastically called a high-up, State Government official the wrong name. Cue frozen, wordless Jess face. Everyone else looked for aeroplanes or suddenly had another job to do which required them to turn around, reach to the floor or run in an opposite direction. Thanks guys!!! Why is this a diabetic moment?!? Well if I had of healed like a 'normal person' I would of been smiling and wrist banding...not checking names after already working for 10 hours aaaaand I also thought that if I didn't get tired so easily, I also probably would have looked up...not screwed up! After swallowing my pride and not sleeping well that night (yeah great, just what I needed!!), I found the official the next day and apologised/tried to make light of it... well at least they might remember me now!! Stupid band aids haha.

A day or so later, I realise I shouldn't be so tough on myself to be perfect, to everyone, all the time. No one can do that. Its that 'Diabetes Drive', the need to prove that I can still do everything all the time, that I think can sometimes actually lead to tripping up, At the end of the day, I'm not 'not normal', I just have diabetes, that's my 'thing', the 'card I've been drawn'. Someone without diabetes could easily have done that same thing, and I was too quick to get down on myself for tripping up because I have diabetes. It's OK to make mistakes.

Great Days

How good is the feeling of a great blood sugar as soon as you wake up in the morning? That's what I really call starting on the right foot. To see a number between 5 and 8 as my first blood sugar of the day is the perfect start. There's already a sense of achievement which gives an injection of hope and courage that I can carry on the trend throughout the entire day. Happiness.

Today was hectic, work wise, but having started the day in my happy range made everything else just seem easier. Not many around me (especially in my work place) probably particularly understand exactly what it takes to have a brilliant day in the world of a diabetic. But we know. That feeling you get on days where your morning blood sugar reading, your test before bed and all those in between happily behaved themselves all day - uncomparable! The satisfaction! The stress and panic as images and thoughts of complications cross our minds... not there on days like this. Bliss!

On days like this make sure you take the time to tell yourself you did a good job. Diabetes isn't easy, you deserve to be congratulated.

Invisible Illness

Until I left university (for the second time) a few years ago and really started getting into a career with job responsibilities and commitments, I never really paid much attention to the concept of 'work-life balance'. Nor did I think about the term 'invisible illness'. I could go to the gym whenever I wanted, sleep, eat, dose whenever I wanted. Now I have to be much more aware of when and how I do things, of what I squeeze into my day, and even more so: what I choose not to squeeze in, all in the name of balance. Now, the terms 'work-life balance' and 'invisable illness' have constant presence in my life.

Last week I took two 'sick' days off work. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes, because of diabetes,  I do just need to STOP, and the need to do so doesn't always conveniently fall on a weekend - just like being sick with a cold or flu. I find I can't just keep charging on all the time. If I have something extra on, or a particularly busy week, I need to then balance that out by having a slower lead up, aftermath or removing something else from my life just for that week (note healthy eating, adequate sleep and exercise should not be an option here!) While I did have a slight cold, it was mostly my lack of energy and high blood sugars that pulled me to a halt. I knew my body was screaming for rest now, or else I'd be worse by the weekend...perhaps resulting in having days off this week anyway. But I beat myself up about it throughout most of the time off.

Visually, to another 'non-diabetic', I probably looked perfectly fine to go ahead with a usual work day. There was no sniffling, coughing or raspy voice down the phone when I called up my boss. I might sound tired sometimes, but who doesn't occasionally? This makes me feel guilty, like maybe they think I'm lying. It also makes me feel somewhat like a failure, for letting my disease hold me captive for the day. I know I shouldn't let myself feel like this - what is it about us diabetics that makes us want to over achieve, be super human? Everyone gets tired and run down, Everyone.

While it can be frustrating, and I have days when I wish people could understand the feeling of high blood sugars, mood swings, and bouts of intense tiredness (all at once and combined with the stress of the whole situation!), I do at the same time still feel thankful of the instability of diabetes. I don't want people to ever feel sorry for me, or to think that because I have diabetes: because I take a day off here and there: that I must be weak. If anything, we are so much stronger. We have no choice but to be so.

My answer is that it's up to me to feel confident in my actions. It's up to me to educate others about living with diabetes. As my years with diabetes grow and my career along side it, the need for work-life balance grows in prominence too. I want to be here longer and stronger and that is the only way to do so.

Share and stay strong.

The Back Up Blood Meter

I am sure I am not nearly close to being the only diabetic who has a back up blood meter. While I have rarely had to fall back on it, it's the peace of mind in knowing there's a spare, 'just in case'. Most times when I have had to resort to it, its simply been because I cannot seem to locate my usual one.. and in the blur of an impending low, I still know exactly where the spare is as its always kept in the same place in the house.

The other night though, I pulled it from its usual spot in the house and used it as I simply didn't trust my current meter. Well that and the fact that '8' has started to look like 'A' and '7' looks like '1' sometimes! I checked my blood sugar on both (great..double the pricks!) and I was a little shocked at what seemed like a considerable difference. If I had of been lower, a whole number discrepancy would have made a big difference for me.

Needless to say, I now don't have a back up blood meter anymore and I'm not really sure what sort of metre I want to look into getting next. I liked this one because it was so small. I've had these meters for at least 3-5 years, so now I'm also wondering how long are meters supposed to last? Is there a point at which we we should all be getting new ones just as part our general diabetes management plan?