What's Up? What Are You Doing? Where AreYou????

'What's Up?'
'What Are You Doing?'
'Where Are You?'
'Can you do this?' (Right now!) 

These are some of the sorts of questions that seem to be popping up (in a very nagging tone) in my life ALOT lately and its had me step back from life and start to wonder what am I doing and am I heading where I want to? So I've taken two weeks leave from my usual job to help me do just that! Now into week two, I've learnt some interesting things, some I already knew, but have just been reminded of too!

1. Diabetes alone cam take up as much time, if not more, than a full time job.
2. Unless you are outspoken about your goals, its is very hard to achieve them.
3. There is absolute truth in the power of positive thought.

November is Here!

Diabetes awareness month is here and we're just two weeks away from World Diabetes Day!

I haven't been able to write these past few days, as not only am I a bit tired and renovating the bar area at work, I had my BIG once a year eye check up yesterday afternoon. I've been a complete bucket of nerves. It's the one appointment that really makes me anxious.

I've worn glasses since before I had diabetes and every year that appointment has been just as scary, as every year my eyes seemed to get worse. The long waiting times, flash light tests, reading tests, colour blindness tests, anaesthetic eye drops, dilation eye drops, more anaesthetic eye drops, numerous fandangled props being thrust at your head to measure this that and the other.... They say it's because you're still growing in to your twenties but that combined with the potential complications of diabetes gets me panicked! Majorly. This year even more so, as with everything that's been going on, I know when I see my GP on Monday, she is going to tell me my HbA1C is too high.

BUT! Would you believe it, my eyes are BETTER than they were 12 months ago! This doesn't mean they're amazing but I have no diabetes complications showing whatsoever...just a bit of hereditary dodgyness and annoyances associated with my astigmatism....

I feel like I've just been gifted a beautiful warm hug full of hope. A blessing. Perhaps I could even say 'another chance'. Most definitely a reminder that my health is largely in my own hands, and it is up to me to take ownership over it everyday. Back to putting diabetes first.

Not Quite Right

We're going on holiday soon and the break could not come sooner! I think the year's rough journey is finally taking its toll and catching up with me. I absolutely hate to admit it, but I think I'm about as close to 'empty' and 'burnt out' as I've ever been. There doesn't seem to be any area of my life which is strong, organised and championing forward the way I'd like. Everything is just 'hanging in there'. One of the hardest things about it all though is never really knowing if the way I'm feeling is 'normal' or because I have diabetes. I've blogged about the strange (but sometimes quite comic!) diabetic need to over achieve, and how hard it can be to say 'no', for fear of it being diabetes saying no, or not ever knowing what a non-diabetic would do in the same circumstance. I know I'm not alone in this too as many of you emailed or commented to say you knew exactly what I meant!

I had all my blood tests done on Monday, mainly my HbA1C of course, but with a few added extras because I've been feeling a bit run down. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I get them done, I still hate them! They don't get any easier, and in all the anticipation, my body thinks its funny to spike my blood sugar right before I get tested at the clinic. I don't think I've ever had a reading under 8 (though usually some where around 13 - 15)! Annoyingly, I can't get in to see my doctor (to discuss the results) until November 5th too. In the mean time I guess it's just about sticking to healthy eating, getting back into a consistent exercise regime and keeping those levels in check! Oh and not taking anything else on...perhaps even letting a few things go!

Hey You! Yes You there! Be Happy!

The iBGStar has been fantastic for helping me see just how erratic my blood sugars have been these past two weeks as well. There's so much information captured in the one area that it'll be fantastically informative once I can get into see all the specialists! The only gripe I really have now is that the finger pricker that comes with it, is a bit rough. I had to use my old pricker last night and had forgotten just how kind it used to be to my poor little fingers... so I'm going to make the swap back, despite loving the small size of the pricker which came with the iBGStar.

So I'm a bit beat, though not conquered. Reminding myself of the need to refocus on healthy living once again. Reminding myself everyday of what's important in the bigger picture. Living Happy.

Riding the edge to burn out

It seems a bit early in the process but I think I've been suffering a bit of 'burn out' in the last two weeks - so I hope I haven't lost any of you in my absence! Trying to blog everyday seems a bit ambitious, and perhaps even an overload, so I'm  scaling back my aims for now and will try to shoot for around twice a week instead! Its amazing how we push ourselves day to day and then it just takes that one extra commitment, that one piece of bad news, that one metaphorical punch from left field, and suddenly we realise how close to our edge we've been riding - pushing the limit. Sometimes this really frustrates me and it takes a couple days just to get my head around that in fact, I do have a limit (really seem to struggle remembering this!) and that all those sayings about redefining your limits/pushing through & breaking your limits, sometimes just can't apply to a Type 1 Diabetic - we need our down time, we have to have time out to breathe. Re-level with ourselves.

The whole concept of stress is also of major annoyance to me, luckily so much so, its laughable. Does any one else ever find that once they realise they're a bit stressed, they start stressing that they're stressed? This happens to me because I suddenly remember how much stress can impact my blood sugars (high!) and start some silly cycle of sticky high numbers which could potentially create a ripple effect lasting more than just the time it takes to solve the original issue at hand. I think this might also be about the same time a non-diabetic might reach for the chocolate ice cream, greasy food or midnight red bull... several examples of a 'no go' zone for me! The sensible substitutes - a square of dark chocolate, salad or a decaf coffee would probably just enable further frustration to join the festering stress levels. My best answer? A run, gym workout, walk on the beach - deep breaths and physical movement. Clears the head and my blood sugar seems to love it too. (Now all I have to do it make sure I don't stay at work too long!...prioritise, priority number 1 being my body)