Low Fearing

At the beginning of this week I got to thinking about my blood sugars over the last week and looked back over the journal I’ve been keeping. While I was doing this I was lying in bed killing time, as I was feeling just a bit ‘strange’. My BGL was 11 which, if I hadn’t of been feeling that little bit off, would have been ok as I had only eaten about an hour before.  Within 10minutes I couldn’t help myself, I pricked again and it was 9. Still okish…but I definitely felt weird and that was a bit of a quick drop if you ask me! Then again…still couldn’t even wait a whole 10 minutes… (I probably barley lasted 5 really) I was 3.5. This freaked me out. That was a drop of about 8 in 15 minutes. Calmly trying to be sensible and conscious about how I treated the low (I notoriously scoff way too many jellybeans plus anything else I can find!) I sat back and tried to sit out another 10 minutes for it to rise before I pricked my finger… I lasted but I think only because I was in a bit of a haze. The next BGL was 2! So I messaged my partner to tell him I was low, he called and chatted to me (while also trying to persuade me not to over load the sugar) and after 25minutes I was 5. The thing is though, I still panicked. When I saw the 2 after the 3 and after already consuming 1.5CP I had a panic moment…or two…which lead to too many jellybeans…again, which lead to a high morning reading, again…and me being frustrated, again!

I still remember the first panic attack I ever had. I was 10 and it was my first real low. I’d been a diabetic for barely 3months and I was still in my ‘honeymoon’ stage.  I was with my family on holiday and we’d only just had dinner. Knowing that my parents were just as new to diabetes as me, being in an unfamiliar environment and already full from dinner, was all too much and it just happened. To make it worse no one had told us that this often happens to diabetics and at first I think we all thought my reactions were the first signs of slipping into a coma.

So on top of the usual hypo indicators – cold sweats, fatigue, etc  (which back then, I was still getting used too), I started breathing funny and getting really anxious and totally disorientated. Then I got the shivers, which peaked into all over, full body movements like I’d been standing in the snow for hours with no clothes on! I had no control over the situation and absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember mum calling the doctor and by the time she’d got through to explain what was going on, my blood sugar had risen but I still had the full body shakes. I don’t remember much after that except dad holding me for what seemed like hours to keep me warm till I crashed out from exhaustion, and mum trying to prick my finger a lot.

Once I had my first panic attack there seemed to be many more to follow over the years. But as I got older, I worked out ways to control them or measures for prevention – One of them is my little ‘At the door mental check’.  ‘Jellybeans, blood meter, insulin’ the checklist I run through my mind as I am about to leave for anywhere. Deep breathing also helped, phoning a friend or family to chat to me while a recover, and reassuring myself that once I had had 1-2 fast acting CP I am OK. I my BGL will go up,iIts science.

There have been some dodgy panic attacks I will admit, not that any of them are fun, but some are particularly more inconvenient than others. Like the time I went low in the middle of a busy shopping centre. With nowhere to sit down and no one with me… you guessed it, I panicked. It seemed to take me eternity to get back to my car. Low blood sugar + panic attack = forgetfulness +fatigue+ disorientation = lost vehicle! I managed to find it right before I started getting the shivers. Wrapped in a beach towel, I just had to sit it out in the car. Unfortunately for me, if I can’t stop a panic attack in its tracks by a certain point, it doesn’t matter how calm I become, I still have to go through the motions:

1. Restfulness and anxiety (combined with hypo symptoms I am positive I look akin to someone coming down off drugs). It suddenly becomes very difficult to sit still! - which is never good when I'm supposed to be recovering from a low.
2. Feelings of disorientation, weightlessness and cold sweats
3. Shivers and intense sense of cold… and I’m not sure whether I am actually cold though.

There have also been situations that I have initially been completely calm for but the actions of others have thrown me a curve ball. Dating someone new used to be a bit of a stumbling block for me and a little bit embarrassingly, every boyfriend except my current partner has had to see me through an intense panic attack. Unlike now, I used to be a little more guarded about my diabetes. Chances are, boys didn’t know I was diabetic until a third or fourth date and even then I would continue to ease them into it. After a late night out at a mates 21^st birthday I went low from the alcohol (which is a bit of a scary situation to me in the first instance, but will explain another time!) and my boyfriend (also suffering his own drink infused emotions) thought it would be fun to ‘distribute’ my jellybeans to me at his will and wouldn’t give the packet to me. We were in a motel room in a little country town so there was no mini bar and I had no time to bargain with the boy.  In the corner of the room I spied those little dishes they put out with tea and coffee. Knowing sugar satchels are usually included; I grabbed the whole dish and locked myself in the bathroom. Downed a sachet of sugar and chocolate powder and in the rush of it all started having a panic attack… inconvenient much! Here I was thinking I was all empowered and stealth in my initiatives but rather I’m weakened sitting on the floor freezing like it’s the ice age! Luckily the bf had calmed down enough to take orders and as much as I was angry at him, I then had to ask him to hold onto me to generate warmth until I stopped shaking…  Needless to say, as a 19 yr old in a new relationship this felt quite humiliating.

There have been several more quite memorable (despite the forgetfulness aspect!) panic attacks over the years, however I have not had a severe one for numerous years now which I believe comes from facing them head on, recognizing the signs, and understanding how they come on. I still have my ‘freak out’ moments but they’re not nearly as imposing or difficult to deal with. I just wish someone had explained to me at the beginning, what it took me 10+ years to work through. It is OK, panic attacks often come hand in hand with the diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes and there are ways to move forward.